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WhiteboyStyle.com //Offensive Humor At Its Best//
Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008
Ed Philly Vs. The Voice Of Nicotine
It's day 1 of me "trying" to quit smoking. I've gone all day, with only 4...so I guess you can say, I'm easing into the whole thing. I remember last time I tried quitting. It was a few years ago, and I was on the patch. This time, I'm using nothing but will power, and my overall laziness to get my ass off the couch and go outside!
Yet, to be successful this time, I need to remember what caused me to fail last time, which is:
The evil voice of nicotine living inside my head!
I know, it sounds a little crazy, but there is literally, this voice I hear, which constantly urges me to smoke. He starts off as a slight whisper, trying to sway me back to the dark side. It's these attempts that I could usually avoid, thinking, "If I can get past that, this will be a breeze".
It doesn't stop there though. He learns, and gets craftier with his attempts to break my spirit.
To properly explain it, I would have to say, this voice would be the best damn car salesman in the world. I wish I had his persuasive ability, and honestly, if I did, I would probably use it for evil as well.
Topless women everywhere!
Anyway, it always gets to a point after a day or so, where he convinces me that it is okay to have 1 cigarette, for going so long, I deserve it. Or, he will resort to constant badgering, where, like a 4 year old, will constantly hound me until I give in...solely to save my own sanity.
Somehow, if I can avoid all of that, his whisper gets a little more aggressive...to the point where he will verbally abuse me.
Sometimes I cry!
He can break me down to the point, where I will trash a house looking for a used cigarette butt to take 1 puff off of to get him off my back.
He is quite the clever one.
This time though, I will beat him.
And then proceed to fuck his wife up the ass, while he watches, curled up in a corner with a ball gag.
Damn, I'm gangstah!
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Scott Baio, I Thought We Went Through This Already
Scott Baios fucking 46 and Pregnant??
C'mon VH1, you're fucking killing me here! You make me want to get off my ass, and go do something productive with my life, and I'm sorry, that's unacceptable!
Therefore, I have taken the time to send Scott Baio a very personal letter, in hopes we can avoid future shows, such as Scott Baios 47 and Out of the Closet!
Dear Scott Baio,
I cannot say I am thrilled about your new show, seeing how your last show made me want to throw large heavy objects at my television. However, this letter is not intended to insult, bash, or belittle you, because...you've honestly made it too easy to be worth my time. This letter, is more of a request.
Enclosed, I have sent you the following:
- A gun
- Several bullets
- A large, sharp knife
- 3 Cyanide caplets
Please do me the favor of shooting yourself many times in the face. If for some reason, you have super human powers, like 50 Cent, and are immune to bullets, I have also sent a knife. Please stab yourself in all you major organs. If you don't know where those are, please look it up online (I would have sent you a diagram, but c'mon dude, I can only do so much here). On the off chance, the bullets to the face, and the numerous stab wounds have yet to end your reign of terror on my television, I have sent you 3 cyanide caplets...take them.
Once again, this is nothing personal. Please look at it as you finally doing something productive for society, and not flooding my tv with trash.
Thank you,
-Ed Philly
Man, I hope he doesn't take that the wrong way, and do something crazy like ki.....
Nevermind...
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