Typical Shit
WebcamWall Scratchings
The Crew
My Demo CD
RSS
Hit Me Up
IM Me (AIM)
Articles
My Life As A High School Wrestler
If You've Got A Webcam, You've Got Traffic
Archives
12/15/0711/17/07
11/13/07
11/08/07
11/06/07
11/04/07
11/01/07
9/07/07
9/20/07
9/05/07
8/19/07
8/21/07
8/14/07
08/09/07
08/04/07
08/02/07
WhiteboyStyle.com //Offensive Humor At Its Best//
Sunday, December 16th, 2007
Sometimes, I Like To Give Back To The Community
Posted @ 6:59pm
I decided, that since it's Christmas, this year, I would play my part, and do a good deed for others! I ran across a site, that allows people to play Santa, and respond to messages sent by children, to Santa.
I couldn't resist!
I have been super good this year! I've helped mommy clean dishes, and stopped calling Timmy a stinky head! I want a Fur Real Pony so badly! Mommy will not let me have a real pony. Mommy says they have to live in a special house, not a people house. If you could bring me a Fur Real Pony I will be so happy!
Love,
Dear Santa,
Julie Colby
Age 8
I read this, and a tear came to my eye. I knew I had to send little Julie a very special reply!
It's good to hear you have been so good this year. Santa can always see you, so keep it up. Also, while you're at it, tell mommy she needs to shave a little bit more in the shower, Santa doesn't want to visit the jungle again this year, HO HO HO!
Anyway, so you want a Fur Real Pony?
Those things are like 6 feet tall! How is Santa possibly supposed to bring that thing down your chimney? It's bad enough I have this bad back, but are you trying to give me a heart attack too? With my luck, you'll end up falling off the thing, and that's another law suit Santa just doesn't have the time, or money for.
To make it up to you, I'm going to fill your stocking with plenty marbles, and jacks (I have this supply from the 60's that I just can't seem to get rid of!). I'm also bringing mommy a life time supply of Bikini Wax (shhh....don't tell!)
Santas just joking around! I'm actually going to bring you a real life pony! You can tell mommy it's payback for her dragging her teeth on Santas candy cane last year!
HO HO HO!!!!
And don't worry about calling Timmy a stinky head, maybe if he bathed a little more, you wouldn't have to call him that.
Well, that's all, I have lots of other boys and girls to write back to.
Seeya on Christmas!
Santa
P.S. This year, could you maybe not leave me such shitty cookies? Thanks ;)
Dear Julie,
It feels good to give back!
--------------------
Read The Feed//
Sign The Wall//IM Me
Ed Phillys Guide To: Surviving The Assembly Of Poorly Made Christmas Toys
Posted @ 6:11pm
I love my daughter, and It brings such joy to my black, bitter heart, to see her face light up on Christmas.
Yet, it pains me more than anything to have to put together all the toy kitchens, doll houses, and Polly Pocket playsets. If you're unfortunate enough, like me, to be "that guy" who gets the god awful task of putting all your childs retarded Christmas toys together, than this guide is for you!
What You'll Need
-Scissors
After you have the basic tools needed, it's time to get to work.
-A big knife (for after you realize the scissors are useless)
-A bottle of your favorite booze (I like Jack!)
-An anger management coach (Oh Yeah!)
-A pack of smokes (I don't care if you don't smoke, you'll fucking need em!)
-Total silence (When you're focusing this hard, the slightest distraction can set you off, and make you start fires!)
-A punching bag...although I personally prefer a gun!
-A pen, and paper, to write down the name of every fucking asshole who bought these stupid fucking toys
-Finally, a carton of eggs (to egg their houses, afterwards).
I always wondered if the guy who packages kids toys, likes his job, because he is constantly finding new ways to fuck me! Getting most toys open, is a good 50% of the battle. Not only are they in a box, but they're taped up as well. I'm not just talking about a little bit of tape, I'm talking, enough tape to make me wanna buy stock in Scotch! You gotta fight through that shit! I like to take the "multiple stab" approach. I know I'm going to get so frustrated, and get to that point anyway, so why not cut out the bullshit, and get right to it.
STAB THAT SHIT, AND RIP IT OPEN!
At that point, you may think you have won...but no...that toy packaging guy is a clever one!
90% of the time you will open a box to find 4 things:
-Cardboard
-Plastic Twist Ties
-Rubber Bands
-AND MORE FUCKING TAPE COVERING ALL OF IT!!!DAMN YOU TOY PACKAGING GUY!!!!!!!!
This would be a good time to start swigging on that bottle of booze ya got, cuz, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Oh, and keep that anger management coach close by, you'll be needing them real soon.
It seems so easy, just to rip the toys/parts right out of the tape, plastic, and rubber...but that stuffs not going anywhere!
You gotta fight for it!
This could be the most time consuming part of the project.
Oh, and any tiny pieces you may come across, just pitch those in the trash now, especially if they're accessories. That's the shit you're going to end up stepping on in the future! Do yourself a favor now, and toss it!
So finally, you have everything out. If its something big, like a play kitchen (god, I hated that thing), then you want to locate the directions.
I know, directions aren't very manly, but most of them are so damn confusing, and not helpful, that it'll kinda be like you aren't really using them anyway!
You're next hour will consist of:
-Confusion
-Stuff Not Fitting Together Properly
-Cursing
-The Throwing Of Objects
-Some Crying
-And A Frequent Question To God - "WHY????"
That's actually about the worst of it.
Luckily, when you're done, not only will you have a swelling of pride, you'll also have your little child thrilled that they can now have an awesome time with their new toy.
Only to have them come up to you 2 minutes later, and say:
"Now open this one!!!"
It's a good thing ya bought that booze!
--------------------
Read The Feed//
Sign The Wall//IM Me
When I Go To Hell, Everyday Will Be Christmas
Posted @ 5:48pm
With each passing year, I seem to lose more and more of my "Christmas Spirit". Somewhere along the way, it stopped becoming a great holiday, and turned record breaking event to see if this year, I can drive to more places, haul in and out more shit, and put together the most complicated toys in the universe.
I would love to just spend a Christmas day at home, with my family.
Ah...it would be so nice!
But it's off to the in laws, then to Wifeys grandparents, then to my grandparents, and then back home, and some years, back out, to the ghetto, to pick up my father, have dinner, then drive him back.
With each place we go, I start to wonder more and more, "Are we gonna be able to fit all this shit in the car?", and "Do I really have to unload all this stuff?"
I love that my relatives spoil my daughter with tons of toys, which keep her entertained for about 10 minutes, before they get lost in the abyss that is her closet, but hate the fact that I have to put my brilliant mind to use on my day off, to strategize a way to make all this stuff fit.
I think I spend a majority of Christmas day, looking at the clock, and preparing to dart out the door to our next destination. It may seem rude, but dammit, none of them have to travel to 10 different places in a day, and get sneered at for showing up and hour late to each one. OPEN THE FUCKING PRESENTS ALREADY! That, and why they fuck does everyone have to cram all of Christmas day in by 2pm? It's hard driving out to B.F.E, then driving further out to B.F.E, then driving back to the burbs, to go home, and then go all the way to the other side of town, to a place, where I fear I may get ass raped, because I'm "such a cute honkey"!
TWICE!
Spread the shit out a little for me!
I think each year, I going to temporarily conver to Judaism, atleast that way I have 9(?) days to go see everyone!
Although, 9 (????) days is kinda fucking long....maybe Kwanzaa? (Can't Celebrate KWANZAA! Boom Ba Boom Boom!)
Someone better pray I find a flask in my stocking this year!
Sorry Santa, Christmas blows!!!
--------------------
Read The Feed//
Sign The Wall//IM Me
