After yesterdays post about the Juggalo gangs, and the fascinating explanation from Mr. Joker Smiles, I was left concerned. Was I was judging the Juggalos too harshly? I mean, I’ve never walked a mile in Juggalo shoes, could there be more to them than just face paint and Faygo?
I knew I couldn’t sleep until I got to the bottome of this, so I came up with the only plan 12 beers could conjure me up: I had to infiltrate the Juggalo gang by any means neccesary!!
I ran to the nearest store, bought all the white and black face paint I could and…..
While it would appear that I could easily blend in with any Juggalo gang, one thing I had observed from the Joker Smiles video was his total disregard for hygiene. To become a highly respected member of the Juggalo community, I had to dirty myself up a bit. I figured a solid workout should produce enough sweat, and stink to let me pass, but after 3.5 pushups, I had an epiphany! It’s obvious the Juggalos don’t exercise, so what if I just doused myself in Faygo?? The stickiness should attract enough dirt that I could pass as a Juggalo in no time!
After pouring 3 bottles of Faygo over my head, and rolling around in the dirt, I really started to feel like I was making progress in learning the Juggalo way of life! The next problem though, was my wardrobe. Juggalos aren’t really known for rocking PJ’s and a white shirt everywhere they go! Luckily, the local thrift store had tons of beat up black shirts, and a surprising amount JNCO jeans in stock. I decided to go the extra distance, and added a chain to my wallet which really added the pizazz I needed to complete my new look.
I was ready, or so I thought!
Sure, I was rocking a look that could win over any Juggalette (that’s a female Juggalo), but I wasn’t exactly sure how the Juggalos acted. I quickly grabbed my computer, and began searching all the popular Juggalo websites. There had to be some clues on there as to how they socialize. I knew found what I was looking for when I read…
A true Juggalo will enforce their authority over all lesser, and weaker minded creatures!
With that, I threw on my Vans, and rushed to the closest ally I could find, and did exactly what the Juggalo website commanded.
I scared me a kitty!
I scared that kitty good!
Now…I knew I was ready!
After a solid session of scaring kittens, I made my way back home. I figured my next move would be to join a Juggalo forum, and let them embrace their newest member! The forum was actually kind of creepy. It was filled with dark colors, freaky pictures, and some of the nastiest porn I’ve ever seen. Despite my overall disgust, I HAD to finish what I started, I had already come so far! I manned up, and made my introduction post. Afterwards, I sat back and waited for them to shower me with their love.
The result wasn’t exactly what I was expecting….
After about 10 minutes, the other members of the Juggalo community must’ve known something was up, as threats to hurt me suddenly began to fill my welcome thread! It turns out, Juggalos aren’t very nice to each other!
WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T IT SAY THAT ON ALL THE WEBSITES I READ??
Unfortunately, my time there was limited, as somehow, my cover was blown! One of the members, whose avatar suggested they were THE MOST highly respected Juggalo, not only found my website, but also my Facebook page, and occupation. I was kinda sad he didn’t post my Twitter name (@ephilly), but oh well. With that, I knew the end was near.
Just when I was expecting them all to turn on me, they did something that really blew my mind…
They were nicer to me.
I didn’t get it, suddenly I’m being showered in gifts of free porn, and being welcomed properly. It kinda freaked me out a bit. I didn’t mind that they were racists, or bigots, or Nazis, but according to all the other threads in that forum, it is a MAJOR violation to be polite and considerate to ANYONE!
ESPECIALLY A NOOB!
With that, I felt it was time to end my Juggalo reign. While I could accept their make up, lack of hygiene, excessive and use of the “N” word, the one thing I just couldn’t get past is their total hypocrisy.
I stepped away from the computer, took a shower, burned those god awful clothes, apologized to the kitty that I spent HOURS harassing, and called it a day! The only thing left is the 25+ bottles of Faygo left in my fridge…not sure what I’m going to do with all that, it was kind of an impulse buy!
In the end, I’m more confused about the Juggalo way than ever before, which can only mean…
I finally understand what it’s like to be a true Juggalo!
