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-- Home//IM Me//Wall Scratchings//the_tedman@hotmail.com --
Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007
Candlelight Sinner
Posted @ 6:49pm
Theres this Army recruiting office in the strip mall where I buy my smokes. They're way down at the other end, so I don't normally fear being harassed by them for not joining the military.
It must of been National Recruiting day or something, because they were all over the place today, all in their spiffy white uniforms.
I walked outta the convienent store, and saw a couple outta the corner of my eye. That's when I hear them shouting at me,
"Hey! Hey You!"
First of all, I don't respond to that coming from anyone. It's either:
A: Someone trying to jump me
Or
B: Someone I owe money to
I continued walking, ignoring their douchebag way of trying to gain my attention.
I underestimated their relentlessness. They're militant...no one stranger walks away from them when they are rudely shouting at a person!
I quickly dipped into my car, and drove off. I don't have time for a 20 minute lecture on how the Army is going to make my life better.
I support my troops....that's about all you're getting out of me.
I end up having to go back there a half hour later to get a money order, and they show up again, eyeing me like I forgot to give them my milk money or something. The same thing goes down again. Them being douchebags, and me wandering along my merry way.
Those 2 fuckers stalked me to my car like 2 drunks trying to catch up to the last chick leaving the bar.
I wasn't going to escape this time. I had to think fast, they don't take "no" for an answer, and they could totally kick my ass if I mouthed off.
Luckily, I was driving my wifes car, decked out with a fairy seat cover, and colorful mardi gras beads hanging over the rearview mirror. So, once they caught up, I turned around, and with my best homosexual accent, I said,
"Yes, boys? What can I help ya'll with?"
With the thrown off looks on their faces, it was very hard to not break out laughing! They briefly mentioned they were out recruiting, handed me their propaganda, and walked away.
I wish I would have thought of that in high school, when all those fuckers were up my ass!
Before I end this, I want to re-emphasize my respect for all people who made the choice to join whatever military affiliation they did. They are some brave people with bigger balls than I.
It's just not for me!
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Shoulders, Chest, Pants, Shoes
Posted @ 6:41pm
I picked a bad day to wear black sweat pants. I was driving in the car, running some errands, and felt the suns wrath in my wifes non air conditioned car. On top of that I was stuck in traffic.
I rolled up to yet another traffic light, when I glanced upon a row of the most beautiful sprinklers I have ever seen.
That's when I noticed that my testicles were sweatier than 2 fat people getting freaky in a sauna.
I began to fantasize....
Not about fat people getting freaky in a sauna!
I dreamt of skipping gleefully through the cool spray of the sprinklers...
Naked!
And as I felt my balls begging to be set free from the hellatious torture of my black sweat pants, I imagined how nice it would be to stand in front of one of those sprinklers, and lift my sack!
Then I saw that those things were spraying pretty hard. That's when my dream turned into a horrid nightmare, with the sprinklers shooting my balls off.
They didn't bother me anymore after that.
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Sign The Wall//IM Me
Youth In Asia
Posted @ 6:36pm
Wifey, while cleaning our daughters room last week, stumbled upon Cloeys greatest work of art...
Turns out, in the middle of the night, Cloey secretly picks her nose, and wipes her boogers on the wall by her bed.
I shouldn't have been suprised, I know where she gets it from. I too, secretly pick my nose in the middle of the night. Instead of wiping it on the wall, I just stick my boogers up my wifes nose for safe keeping.
If I wiped them on the wall she would kill me!
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Sign The Wall//IM Me
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