Sunday, June 3rd, 2007

Dick In A Box
Posted @ 6:16pm

A lot of people don't know this about me, but I'm a very gassy person. It's odd, because I never really had a problem with it until I got married. Maybe I'm just getting old.

I was walking through Mejier today, which was insanely packed as it usually is. Trying to get through there is like trying to push yourself through the floor crowd and a huge concert. When I go to hell, that will be my torture for eternity....walking through Meijer. It annoys me more, because I don't fuck around in stores. I know what I want when I get there, I try to park by the entrance closest to the stuff I need, I get in, grab my shit, and get out. If there was a record for fastest shopper, I could totally break it.

So I'm stuck in Mejier, just grabbing a couple of things. I had eaten a bowl of Cloeys Apple Jacks a few hours prior which had left me with a hardcore toxic gas leaking through my ass cheeks.

When we first got married, my wife taught me, that if you spin around 3 times after you fart, it won't follow you. If you've ever seen me randomly spinning around in a circle, that's probably what I'm doing.

Anyway, I was trying to make my way through these isles, and I guess it was "walk as slow as you possibly fuckin can" day or something. I got impatient... then I got angry. I finally found a way to get around some of these people, so I switched to Power Walk Mode. I needed an extra boost, so I went ahead, and released all the gas I had been politely storing. I zipped right past these people, dropping one of the nastiest stink bombs of my life....it took a lot to keep from laughing, turning around, and flipping them off, as they realized it was true....

That guy just farted!

I acted like I was looking for something as I did the 3-spin trick Wifey had taught me, and I drifted away, leaving the stench in a gaseous cloud behind me.

The moral of this story is:

When you're at the store....FUCKING WALK FASTER OR I WILL FART ON YOU!

Thank you!
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