Love Machine
Posted @ 8:35pm

I called up my buddy J Ryd today, to see how his oral surgery went from yesterday. I guess he had to have a root canal or something, so being the good friend that I am, I called to see how he felt.

Turns out he isn't able to drink, smoke, or eat solid foods for 3 days. I was wondering how he could go 3 days without smoking, J Ryd smokes more than me, and I'm a fucking chimney.

Me: How are you going to go 3 fucking days without smoking??

J Ryd: I started smoking through my nose!

Me: Are you serious? That's the most horrible sounding thing I have ever fucking heard!

J Ryd: (laughing hysterically) Well, you know, you blow smoke out your nose, so I just did it the other way around!

Me: Wow....I really hope you're doing that in the privacy of your own home, and not driving down the street with a lit cigarette shoved up your nose!

J Ryd: I'm a true smoker

I really gotta rethink my friend situation!
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Tags: smokers, surgery, moron

Knock, Knock, Knockin On Evans Door
Posted @ 2:18pm

After reviewing my stats for this site, I saw that I was getting atleast 10 people a day who were visiting, but never actually entering. I've been known to dip out on sites that bore me, but I usuaully atleast get to the content portion first.

Then I realized, they weren't leaving because they didn't like the site, they were leaving because they couldn't figure out how tp get in. I had a guy return to this page 5 times, and not once did he ever visit this main page.

I had another person who kept going back to the site that sent them here, also trying to figure out what to do.

I didn't think clicking a fucking picture was that hard!?!

Against my own will, I went ahead and put a sign on the cover page to this site, explaining to them to click the picture to enter the site.

Hopefully this will eliminate any confusion....but then again, some of you people are pretty fucking stupid!
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Tags: idiots, confusion,

Death To Philly
Posted @ 2:13pm

After class yesterday, I was chillin here at home, when I felt the fimiliar symptoms of "sickness" creeping up on me. I usually get a day warning before I'm ill, and used to try and stop it with Jack Daniels, orange juice, and medicine, before it took it's full effect.

Since I can't drink anymore, it was just orange juice and dayquil.

The preventative measures failed, and today I'm mucus infested, miserable, doped up, waste of a person.

It's my only fucking day off! I don't have time for this shit!

I gotta suck it up. I will admit, I do feel a tad bit loopey...so if I start saying things on here, that are stranger than the things I normally say,

Just ignore me!
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Tags: sick, ill, kill me

Beer Belly
Posted @ 12:01am

I had to attend my benefits class today (monday, I guess it's yesterday now). Since I got promoted, they hooked me up with a whole new benefits deal. I got to the class early, there was one other person there. He was bald, with a comb-over, and didn't look pleased to be there.

I had an assigned seat, which happened to place me right next to this guy. We had the usual "hey, how ya doin?" conversation. The ladies running the course were laughing becuase he showed up 2 hours early for the class, had been sitting there the whole time. He seemed pretty annoyed about it, I guess I would be too. He wasn't a very pleasant guy, grumbling about how he didn't know when he was supposed to be there. We all got sent a packet in the mail stating times, and directions, the only person this guy should be pissed at, is himself.

After sitting next to him for a few minutes, I started to look at him, and wonder how old he was.

I was fucking bored, I had nothing better to do.

He looked over 40, with the bald head, but after imagining a wig on him, I went with the guess that he's around 31. I was also guessing that he was one of those guys who were bullied in high school, and was still holding a chip on his shoulder after all these years.

The class started. It's run by the 2 ladies who run the H.R. department. They were going over stupid shit, stuff we already knew, like the conduct codes for sexual harrassment, nepotism, fratranizing, all that fun stuff.

This bald douche bag starts narcing out all the managers at his store...

"Oh, you're not allowed to go out drinking with crew people?? Looks like I'm screwing up someones plans for the weekend, ha, ha..."

"I think one of the managers is dating a crew person....that's bad isn't it?

"All the managers have the same safe code, can I report my boss to you?"

He then gave up all their names, I'm assuming he's getting a few of them fired. Granted, those people may be wrong by the resturaunts standards, but to go into a class full of people you don't know, that you may end up working with some day. you don't go ratting on all the other managers in your store, that's just fucked up, especially when you're going over the head of your own boss!

It was after those comments, that I knew:

1) Everyone in this guys store hates him!
2) He obviously didn't have a lot of friends
3) If he's not living with his mom, he's probably very lonely, so he probably has a pet (that also has no respect for him). He's too lame for a dog, so I guessed he was a cat guy.

During one of the breaks I learned, not only was he 32 (I was a year off), but he is the proud owner a "cutesy wootsy kitty kat" (yeah, he said it like that)!

Damn I'm good. I've known this guy for 2 hours, and could practically write his life story.

I snuck away from him long enough to have me smoke outside. With the smoking ban, you gotta be 20 feet away from any entrance outside the building. I try to be a curtious smoker as it is, so I was as close to the parking lot as I could be anyway.

Suddenly, this bored, asshole cop walks up to me, and tells me I gotta walk all the way to the end of the building to smoke.

It wasn't a big deal, but this is a long fucking building, it was a pretty long walk for a guy taking a smoke break.

I wasn't about to argue with him, even though I was smoking in a spot permitted by the law. I took the walk.

On my way back to class, I feel this pain in my stomache. It was the unwanted pressure of gas! I had to drop one, and bad! I figured I'd suck it up, and hold it, since I didn't want to fart, and then have someone waiting for the elevator where I get off.

That's embarrasing!

The elevator door opened on the floor where I was to get off, and who did I see?

It was that douche bag cop from outside.

I reconsidered holding in my gas...

I walked off the elevator, he walked on, the doors shut, and I believe by that time he had realized,

I totally dropped the duece in the elevator!

I'm gonna be honest, it felt like a pretty nasty one too!

I think that was the highlight of my day!

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Tags: class, smoking ban, cops, bald

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